I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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