I just pynch a tree in the face
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
