Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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