Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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