aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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