Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
