I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
