why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize
