My sheets look like a crime scene.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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