I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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