If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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