Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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