1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
