I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
