WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
