he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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