im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
