She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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