Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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