I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
