need another drink. this is the easiest way
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
