The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
