Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you traded sex for a burrito?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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