I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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