fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
