Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
