You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
