Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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