now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
