I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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