farters have to be the big spoon...
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
