This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
