Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
