at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
