i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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