i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
