Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
