I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
