Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
