3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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