i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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