good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
