I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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