did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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