"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
