i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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