It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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