Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
