i love accidental penises.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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