is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
