as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
