It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
